Why I Stopped Writing.........

Writing Is my medicine, it’s my sanctuary, my healer and has always been my greatest teacher

writing is my truest expression of self for what I couldn’t express vocally, flowed through my fingers, they are my true feelings that allow me to dive into the depths of my inner wisdom played out in words,

it is something that is all mine, it can’t be defined, tamed or controlled by others because they are an essential part of who I am and my knowing

So why did i stop writing?

Well essentially it’s not a why it’s a who!

And that who was me if I’m being 100% honest.

I stopped myself from writing.

I stopped because I felt I was being hypocritical with my words

I stopped because I thought my words weren’t enough

I stopped because I felt like a failure

I stopped because Self doubt planted seeds of the past in the back of my mind

I stopped because what I thought I was here to write about no longer Inspired me to keep writing.

There are many reasons as you can see, but mainly i thought all i had to offer this world was to be skinny, so once i started to not feel inspired or obsessed about being skinny and look like the perceived image of what being skinny entailed, how could i keep writing truthfully, it felt fraudulent to keep writing about something I thought I was only here to "achieve" so to speak, I also thought I could no longer inspire or reach others in the same way because being skinny was no longer my driving force for life, yes I’m still 10000% into moving my body and eating healthy it’s just doesn’t consume my entire existence any longer.

I created that image of what i thought that needed to be in my mind, which evidently became my reality and i no longer had the confidence to write truthfully for I’m no longer in that same chapter in my life.

Great life losses stopped me from writing, we have had some indescribable loss over the last 5 years, things I’ve found very hard to talk about and to put in words, this wasn’t a writers block situation, this was such a deep seated sadness within that I wouldn’t be able to control or put back in the deeps once it was released, so the fear of tapping into the most darkest of places through grief and our losses stopped me from writing, because if writing is my truth, to witness that unfold right in front of me would possibly break my heart in a more deeply profound way, I could no longer deny my pain, but I also didn’t want to drown in it, the fear is for reals.

When you’re know for being strong, resilient and the pillar for others, being vulnerable isn’t something I’ve ever been able to surrender fully into, and to be anything else but strong and having my shit together would bring feelings of shame and defeat, the irony within that is that without these losses, I wouldn’t of been able to sit in this vulnerability “Silver Lining”

My life isn’t a single chapter, no ones is, we have seasons and changes within constantly, so to think that I shouldn’t continue to write because I no longer fit into that extremely small box I was trying to squeeze into is such a dishonour to myself and to my gifts, there are so many people that can resonate and heal and evolve through my words and have with my first book Own It, but an image or fear of rejection kept me stuck in a I’m not enough to write mindset and inevitably stopped me from self expression, true self expression.

Even if like myself you've been working on the many layers of self healing and awareness, we are still having a human experience, we forget that in this world of needing to be "POSITIVE" all of the time, we use positivity as a gateway to avoidance or trying to keep the peace within, and that can not be sustained, your feelings and experiences are real and are very valid, honour it and the ability to sit in stillness with it all, being busy all of the time doesn’t allow you to access the deeper truth within and being positive for the sake of trying to have a perceived image surely doesn’t either, I am an extremely positive person and will see the best in most situations, but faking it until making it isn’t truth and it will not serve you and others in the long run, authenticity will.

My words are my medicine, but not only for me but for the people that are drawn to me, that’s something I’ve become very aware of, especially since writing Own It, to not share that expression unconditionally and raw, worts and all is such a disservice not only to myself, but also to others, this is my medicine and this is how I serve….

Shit’s about to get for reals…..Thank you for joining me on this journey xx